As the Tory Party conference in Manchester lurched towards a conclusion David Cameron took to the stage to announce plans for every under twenty-five year old not in education, training or employment to work in a job centre.
“We are making it impossible for young people to claim benefits,” the Prime Minister said. “Our message to those without jobs is get a job. Yes, it’s that easy because this scheme combined with Osborne’s one that jobseekers will have to attend the job centre every day means that we now need hundred of thousands more job centre workers to administrate this mess. I mean forward thinking policy that will put the UK way out in front in the global race.”
“From now on sixteen year olds will be able to leave school and opt for a lifetime of pointless paper pushing. Any who want a different life will have to simply pull their socks up, try harder and get their parents to send them to an exclusive public school. All it takes is a little discipline, self-determination and a family fortune of tens of millions of pounds.”
Cameron denied that he is simply making up policy on the fly in a desperate bid to appeal to party members whose average age is sixty-eight (true) and who are being openly courted by Ukip.
“That is not the case at all,” he insisted. “To say that we are discriminating against the young due to the fact all our supporters are old is as ludicrous as saying that our other core policies of turning down the music, putting a Lyons Corner House on every high street and bringing back Mr Pastry are not about creating a modern thrusting society but appealing solely to the demographic on whose party dues and votes I am utterly reliant.”
He concluded his speech by laying out the Tories vision for British industry including heavy state investment in Armstrong Siddeley cars, PYE televisions and liquorice and blackcurrant flyers.