Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.
Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.
“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise: for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”
Clearly exhausted by this sudden surge in output, the trainee leader then took a deserved lie down, a move welcomed by his supporters in the Unions.
Papers show that Miliband has repeatedly asked for more hours , only to be put back in his box by his manager, Len McCluskey.
“He’s gaining experience all the time, it’s a valuable role”, said McCluskey. “It’s just that he performs much, much better when he’s not actually doing anything.” Despite competition from an incompetent coalition and a cartoon blimp running London, Miliband has repeatedly shown that his productivity takes a sharp downturn during the moments he’s allowed out.
“It’s difficult to get a foot in the door these days, especially if your only reference is from Gordon Brown”, complained Miliband. “It’s almost as if there’s no demand any more for career politicians.”
“But my last performance review showed that I’m making some progress”, enthused Ed. “For instance, they recently wheeled me out to blink for 20 seconds and not open my mouth, and there was hardly a dip in the polls at all.”