In an emergency session this morning Harold council changed village law to allow the slapping of anti-Royal statistics bores.
“Something had to be done,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Since eight thirty last night a small minority of Haroldites have been intent on implying that anyone who is happy that Kate’s finally had it, and is enjoying a diversion from the normal god-awful depressing news is an idiot. So now we’ve changed the law to allow ordinary Haroldites to very mildly make their displeasure known.”
“It’s appalling,” said Alex Gates. “Just because I put on Facebook that 360,000 babies were born yesterday so there’s nothing special about the royal one then earlier in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! loudly tried to calculate how much the new prince will cost me over my lifetime, Elsie Duggan was allowed to reach over and slap me.”
“The sanctioning of the slap is not to incite people to violence,” clarified Harold’s police officer, PC Flegg. “It’s more a quick way to enable someone to say ‘hey, I can be pleased about the royal baby and still care about the state of the world too, they are not mutually exclusive, now lighten up’ and isn’t intended to cause harm. The new law clearly states that the amount of force used in the slap must not exceed that which you would apply to a kitten than needed gently moving out of the way. Actually hauling off and belting someone is and always will be an offence.”
“The new law’s great,” said Debbie Fowles, 15. “I said that I didn’t care about Princess Kate because like there’s women that gave birth yesterday in places where there’s no doctors and no running water and that we shouldn’t celebrate a baby being born until they are all born in the Lindo Wing. Which I actually really do believe, yeah? Because it’s all unfair and that. Anyway I was just giving everyone in my tutor group some statistics about infant mortality that I googled and I would’ve done any other day, honest, when that Simon Kettle slapped me.
“I’m going to put a chart that shows how much medical care the money spent on the royal baby being born would buy in a really poor country on my tumblr then maybe he’ll do it again.”