A spokesman for G4S, one of the companies involved, said “we have actually done a lot of research into the type of person we should be tagging and far from conning the government, we have actually been doing them a favour. For example, did you know that in prison, 100% of the inmates have a criminal record?
“If we are not keeping track of those in the prisons then who is?” he continued. “Well, technically it’s us because we run them, but when you look at the mess we made of the Olympics, you’ll see why keeping people tagged who are locked up in one of our jails is such a good idea.”
Justice Secretary Chris Grayling has said the two companies have been overcharging by tens of millions of pounds for people who were not actually being monitored. He told MPs that he has called in the serious fraud squad in to investigate.
“The investigation will be very thorough, and because of the serious nature of this allegation all evidence will be securely stored until the court date” he told parliament. “The security contract to store and transport it will be given to G4S as they have considerable experience in this sector.”
Serco, the second company implicated in the scandal have said they will cooperate, but like their rivals, claim the were only looking after the country’s best interests.
In a statement they have said “dead people can cause just as much trouble as the living. Jimmy Savile was loved, adored and even knighted when he was alive, but we are monitoring him 24 hours after all the trouble he has caused since he’s been dead.