David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.
“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.”
When asked if his concern stems from the fact that if Scotland do vote for independence then Andy Murray, who is likely to be the number one ranked tennis player in the world by the end of the year, will play under the Saltire and not the Union Jack thus depriving the UK of a sporting legend the Prime Minister was quick to deny that this was the case.
“This has nothing to do with tennis,” he said. “We would offer asylum from Scotland to any globally famous twenty-six year old who provides this country with a feel good factor and has a taxable income in the tens of millions. We are in no way jumping on a bandwagon and desperately hoping that some of his massive popularity will rub off on us.”
“As an elite athlete Andy will be better off in Britain. Scotland is the most unhealthy country in Europe whereas the UK is the not only the tenth most obese nation on earth but also boasts the single most sedentary population which is…er…better…um…moving on.”
“We hope that Andy Murray will consider the UK’s offer of asylum very seriously then do the right thing and accept it. After all his safety, or indeed anyone’s safety, cannot be guaranteed in an independent Scotland which at the end of the day would be a small country with lots of oil reserves and I think we all know what happens to them.”