Local Priest Tansy Forster has issued a statement through her lawyer, in which she vehemently denies washing the feet of a young offender against their wishes.
Forster admitted that she did have a ‘thing’ for dirty feet of petty criminals, but rejected claims that it was a ‘full-blown fetish’.
Forster has claimed before that it’s perfectly normal to wash a vandal’s feet, if you don’t want to catch anything while you’re kissing them.
“The church is full of customs and practices that may at first seem peculiar to the layman”, read her lawyer.
“One of these local traditions is the Easter Toe Jam”, he explained. “It involves forcing entry into the bedroom of Derek Poinby, armed with a pack of baby wipes.”
Forster was found in the wardrobe of the family home, clutching a bottle of what she insisted was ‘holy water’. Forensic tests later showed it to be chloroform.
In an assumed act of contrition, Forster was later seen dragging a large, wooden cross through the Harold High Street.
“Crucifixion? What on earth are you on about?”, said Forster when confronted, quite crossly.
“I told you I’ve done nothing wrong. This is for the traditional Easter ‘Togas and Massive Kite Building Party’.”