Author Archives: yikes28

by | April 14, 2013 · 3:30 pm

Brawling Millwall fans say they were honouring Thatcher with a minute’s violence

millwall-fans-fighting-600x426Millwall fans who were observed brawling at Wembley Stadium say criticism of them is unfair as they were merely observing a minute’s violence in honour of Margaret Thatcher.

“We knew from an article in the Evening Harold that the players had planned their own tribute with lunging two-footed tackles and elbows in the face” said life-long Millwall fan Dave Edwards.

“So us fans decided that despite our divided political beliefs, we needed to show Thatcher some respect in the only way we knew how – by 60 seconds of prolonged kicking and punching. Some of us were so respectful we kept brawling for over 10 minutes.”

Edwards said allegations of “mindless violence” were well wide of the mark. “I thought long and hard about were exactly to punch the Wigan fans – I reckon a blow to those Northern hearts is what Maggie would have wanted.
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by | April 12, 2013 · 11:30 am

Football players to honour Thatcher with a minute’s violence

TerryIn a major U-turn, Football Association chief David Bernstein has agreed that Margaret Thatcher will be honoured with a minute’s violence at this weekend’s FA Cup semi-finals at Wembley Stadium. The fact that both matches are North – South encounters only adds to their poignancy.

Chelsea hard man John Terry welcomed the chance to honour Thatcher, and said he hoped to do a two-footed challenge on Manchester City’s James Milner.

“There are no guarantees, but if I get the timing right, I could end his career” said Terry. “Another Northerner on the scrapheap would be just what Maggie wanted.”

“If I can steal milk from a small child at half-time, it will be even better.”
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by | April 8, 2013 · 8:00 am

Harold Police arrest Yew trees

JimmyPolice made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.

PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.

“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”
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by | April 2, 2013 · 8:00 am

Somali production of Pirates of Penzance plays to captive audience

The Harold International Arts Festival got off to a rollicking start when the entire audience was held hostage and relieved of their valuables at the Somali Players production of The Pirates of Penzance.

The Gilbert and Sullivan favourite was the headline act at the Arts Festival, and the Somali players had already caused a stir by arriving in town on small inflatable craft up the Harold River. That publicity stunt, plus earlier reviews that the show was “captivating”, ensured there was a full house at Harold Village Hall.
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by | March 26, 2013 · 6:57 am

Paris Hilton almost sighted in Harold Town Centre

imageCelebrity fever hit Harold yesterday as it emerged that Paris Hilton was almost sighted emerging from Harold shop Cuts Both Ways. News of the near miss spread quickly, and the excited crowd would have brought travel to a standstill if there had been any.

Melanie Delaney, 19, was thrilled to be mistaken for Paris Hilton. “It was a stroke of luck that my persistent body image problem and desire to self-harm meant I was out shopping for scissors in the first place. And that people thought I was Paris, even if only for a moment, shows that the bulimia is really paying off.”
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