Author Archives: rickw

by | April 3, 2013 · 12:00 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, International News

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by | April 1, 2013 · 10:30 am

Controversy as local soccer team names Benito Mussolini as new manager

haroldFC

No left-wingers

In a move likely to raise eyebrows among their grass-roots socialist supporters, local football club Harold Thursday have made the surprising choice of Benito Mussolini as their new manager.

It was well-known that the team desperately needed a new “big name” coach, but the choice of the former fascist leader of Italy is a surprising one nonetheless, given his lack of recent English soccer experience and death in 1945.
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Filed under Around Harold, Dating, Sport

by | March 31, 2013 · 9:42 am

Local musician discovers long-lost ninth note of the octave – ‘H’

Piano

There it is! Look, there in the middle!

Reg Dwight, frequent uninvited pianist at Harold’s Squirrel Licker’s Arms, announced today a discovery which could change the face of music for ever.

Dwight, 43, has been on the fringes of stardom since his famous residency at “Sally’z Cut’z” hairdressers and grill. After deciding to go into showbusiness at the age of three, he changed his name from the original “Elton John” to improve his image. Talking to the Evening Harold this morning, he spoke of his amazing find.

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Filed under Culture, Golden Showers, News

by | March 26, 2013 · 9:31 pm

Fake ATM dispensed thousands of pounds in bungled scam

atm

Death to false metal!

A local criminal gang was left red-faced yesterday after police seized a fake ATM which had already paid out thousands of pounds to unwitting customers.

So sophisticated was the bogus cash machine that high street shoppers were completely unaware that the bank notes they received were not coming from their accounts, but actually from a dummy vault subtly concealed in two feet of reinforced concrete behind the machine.

“You’d never know it was anything other than genuine,” explained PC Flegg. “If we hadn’t swooped so swiftly, I dread to think how much cash could have been given out.”

Caramba!

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Golden Showers