Great news for OAPs’ says Hammond, as inflation soars

Move, Phil, move! Is he there?

‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.

“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.

Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Hammond explained that because prices have risen this year as a result of his skilful handling of the economy, pensions will increase next year.

“And, just so long as you don’t have to spend money on things that now cost more, you’ll be much better off; as much as £5 a week. In fact, better not to buy anything this year, just to be on the safe side, as your pension doesn’t go up until next year. Do you see?”

“If you absolutely have to spend money, say on things like groceries, get your grocer to put it on your account and you can settle up at the end of the tax year.”