Tipsy DUP blow the whole billion on a giant chocolate orange

It’s just like that old marching song ‘The Chocolate My Father Ate’

Celebrating Theresa’s magic money tree rewarding mindless bigotry with the equivalent of twenty-six thousand nurses salaries, a tipsy DUP has confessed that they’ve spent the whole lot on a massive chocolate orange.

“You know what it’s like when you’ve had a proudly British and vigorously heterosexual skinful,” said Arlene Foster. “Anything sweet and shiny becomes appealing and this chocolate is at least as big as our love for King Billy and so very, very orange. We just had to have it just as we shall have no abortion and no blasphemous popery.”

“Spending a billion pounds on a chocolate orange may seem demented,” she said. “But let me assure you it makes far more financial sense than our Renewable Heat Initiative and is an excellent demonstration of just how much common sense we who believe that the planet is four thousand years old possess.”

The DUP now run the country making everyone nostalgic for the days when the worst thing a failing Prime Minister could do is turn out to have maybe shagged a dead pig.

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