Budget: nation waits to discover just how hard it’s about to be shafted

Bend over, Britain. It’s poker time

Tail coat and a couple of ideas that never knew the glory of an animal, Philip Hammond, will today announce how the government is going to spend the country’s money. Giving rise to speculation that the most likely answer is ‘badly’.

“I don’t really give one about what you all think,” Philip Hammond said. “And one is just a single example of the many numbers I know because I’m a real Chancellor and not a chinless towel-folder who got lucky. Us Tories are in power for years to come. Labour is as much use as tits on a fish and if the entire Lib Dem parliamentary party formed a human centipede, and let’s be honest they might as well, that way people may pay them some attention, that centipede would be pathetically lacking in length. So I’ll do what I like with the money and you’ll thank me for it.”

He then left muttering something about “could always knock a couple of pence off beer to stop the plebs getting twitchy” and hurried off to practice holding up a battered red box and at the same time not laughing in everyone’s face.