Government to explain why missile that could kill millions is essential for peace

It doesn’t look overly peaceful

Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later.

“Trident is vitally important to the nation,” the Prime Minister will say in her statement. “In these unsettled times when atrocities are committed in crowded cities by small groups of terrorists using very basic materials there can be no greater deterrent than a huge submarine capable of killing millions at the press of a button. I suppose we could invest more in intelligence services and addressing the causes of radicalisation but that’s complicated and not as cool as a massive thing that goes boom.”

Today’s vote will be a free one for the Labour party who have said they’d love to provide a coherent opposition but £40 billion and nuclear war are in no way as important as arguing over whether it’ll be a bearded older man, a gruff woman, or an oleaginous prick who’ll be in charge of them when they’re annihilated at the next election.