Cameron sad that his attempt at child abandonment now looks crap

Stylish: all Asian black bears have the Batman logo on their chests. They’re massive fans.

David Cameron has spoke of his disappointment now that the news that seven year old Yamato Tanooka has been found after spending six days alone in a bear-filled forest makes him look rubbish.

“When I’d had it up to here with one of my kids I simply left her behind in rather a nice pub,” he said. “Yamato’s parents took it to another level. That really was one hell of a naughty step the little chap was put on.”

“I’m going to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do better as a father. Next time one of mine kicks off, and for some reason the nannies are unavailable, I’ll ask the close protection team to do me a favour and dump the kid somewhere unimaginably bleak and full of terrors. I wonder where my nearest shopping mall is?”