Zika virus latest: Olympics moved to pub

The chill out zone in the athletes village

The IOC has bowed to pressure from the World Health Authority and agreed to move the Summer Olympics from Rio to a small pub in rural England.

“The Squirrel Lickers Arms is the best location we could find at such short notice,” said Thomas Bach, head of the International Olympic Committee. “Eddie the landlord has assured us that the garden is big enough for all the races as long as the athletes are good at doing a one-eighty every thirty paces and the ‘Kidz Indoor Funland’ has all the soft surfaces needed for gymnastics.”

While most countries have expressed surprise over the new location for the games, and the fact that the diving will be held in an old horse trough, every competing nation has said that they will be attendance. If nothing else they’re all really looking forward to an opening ceremony of a karaoke disco and pie-heavy buffet instead of the usual endless contemporary dance based twattery.

Eddie would like to assure the global television audience that Paul McCartney and the Arctic Monkeys are barred.