Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

As Tony Blair’s Chancellor, Gordon Brown used a convoluted route to launder taxpayers’ hard earned cash.  The cash was collected by so-called ‘collectors’ and delivered to a bank operating as a conduit to split the money between various ‘organisations’.

“The money was hidden in plain view.  It’s the last place you’d think of looking,” said Met Chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

Various fences were used in the operation.  One such organisation, the NHS, was itself set up by a previous Labour Government with the sole purpose of spreading the wealth in the form of ‘healthcare benefits’, with everyone in the NHS being forced to swear an oath of confidentiality.

So-called ‘Tax Credits’ was another piece of very dodgy-dealing.  HMRC were somehow persuaded to run a scheme to shift money out of the bank and into the pockets of people who needed it.  This was going on at the same time as another shady group, the DWP, were palming some of it off on old people and people with no legs.

“It was the most blatant piece of daylight distribution,” sneered George Osborne, “and obviously the recipients weren’t going to grass anyone up.”

Jeremy Corbyn accused David Cameron of trying to divert attention away from speculation about the involvement of mansion-owning Tory millionaires in offshore avoidance schemes.  But Cameron replied “Sod off you little ragamuffin,” thereby winning the argument.