If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.

“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”

“I’m not even taking sides, I’ll be happy with whoever of Cameron and IDS win the death match. And if turns out to be a draw because they both completely annihilate each other, I’ll be even happier.”

Other villagers agreed, with local postman Brian Green saying the Tory implosion would be a ‘dream come true’, especially if it transpired that IDS was a giant cat and Cameron and Osborne were made entirely of cheese.

“I can’t wipe the smile off my face when I see the smug wiped off Cameron’s face” beamed Sally Evans.

“I’ve always yearned to see the Tories totally humiliated, but was worried it would be Teresa May beating a gimp suit-wearing Michael Gove.”

“This is the right sort of humiliation, the kind the Tories don’t enjoy at all. Pig-gate and now this – can life get any better?” gushed Evans.