Iain Duncan Smith resigned as Work and Pensions Secretary because his preferred option of boiling pensioners down to soap was rejected, it can be revealed.
Panicked voters who initially thought Mr Duncan Smith had developed a social conscience were relieved to find it was all a simple misunderstanding, and it was just that Mr Duncan Smith disliked old people even more than he disliked disabled people.
A defiant Duncan Smith said welfare savings could more easily have been made with pensions as there are any number of old people suitable for boiling down to soap, and it would also address pensioner concerns that the government doesn’t do enough to help with heating.
Mr Duncan Smith argued, “Cameron’s plan is a compromise too far, and just tinkers with disability benefits when the real issue is old people freeloading from the system while making no useful contribution to society.”
When the Evening Harold asked whether that now included him, given he is 61 years old, and now out of a job, Mr Duncan Smith said, “Oh shit. I haven’t really thought this through, I think Gideon is right – we should just stick with our knitting and screw the disabled.”
“Dave, Dave, please forgive me, I don’t want to be soap” pleaded Duncan Smith.
An unscientific poll saw 100% of respondents agree that IDS should be boiled down to soap, but the decorative kind, not the sort you actually use on your body.
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