EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith

The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.

People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.

Harold postman Brian Green said Tories made his skin crawl and he was resigned to the fact that whichever way he voted his eczema would flare up.

“It’s like choosing between sticking your head in a toilet, and sticking a toilet on your head. Only it’s worse because you have to choose between Cameron and IDS” said Green.

“In fact if the referendum was between ‘leave the EU’, ‘stay in the EU’, and ‘stick your head in a toilet’, I’d likely go for the toilet option, although knowing my luck it would then emerge that Boris Johnson was a toilet supporter and I bloody hate Boris Johnson.”

Even Tory supporters were confused which way to vote, with local councillor and heartless bastard Ron Ronsson saying he greatly admired both Cameron and Duncan Smith.

“To be forced to choose between such inspirational champions of austerity for the poor breaks my heart, well it would if I had one.”

Both Green and Ronsson acknowledge the 23 June vote transcends the political divide.

“Brian and I are chalk and cheese when it comes to politics, but we both agree we’ll probably end up voting for the opposite of whatever option Paul McCartney supports” said Ronsson.