Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, so get your notebooks out.”

The PM agreed he’d been told to ‘suck it up’ on what he’d promised to bring back under UK control, but insisted no other EU country will get what he’s negotiated.

1. The Right to still find Del Boy falling through the bar funny
2. The Right to call the England men’s football team heroes even though they’re shit.
3. The Right to still be racist about France.
4. The Right to picnic in laybys etc.
5. The Right to British Summer Time
6. (i) The Right to an hereditary monarchy, for no logical reason whatsoever but also (ii) The Right for people to wish to have a say on  who the next monarch should be (the Charles/Wills protocol).

“Oh and the Right to hunt Bono with dogs.” added Mr Cameron “Sorry, that may be a fantasy not an actual thing, may I get back to you on that?”