Theresa May unveils plans to personally come and tut at you if you view porn online

You disgust me

New surveillance laws will see Theresa May turn up at your house, tut and shake her head disapprovingly if you have been looking at porn online.

The Home Secretary has unveiled the latest plans in the Commons today after initial proposals for her to follow you to work yelling “Pervert!” at the top of her voice were blocked by the Lib Dems.

“The monitoring of what people are doing online is vital in our attempts to tackle crime, terrorism, or people doing things we disapprove of, like complaining about our policies.” explained May, as she detailed the latest bill,

“In amongst this list is looking at porn, which we believe can lead to liberalism and voting for parties other than us.”

Authorities would only be able to access basic data, such as the domain address, and not detailed browsing history including the individual pages viewed within that domain.

But let’s be honest, you’re not visiting pornhub to look for bus timetables are you? So Theresa May will still be able come to your house and judge you.