One at a time: Guardian on mission to declare everything in known universe racist

If you have to ask whether or not Mister Superpaws is racist, you’re part of the problem

It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.

“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.”

“Eventually we want to get to the point where any white person who sees the Guardian on the newsagent’s shelf or goes to click on our website instantly feels guilty.”

Viner went on to disclose that the Guardian’s things-that-are-racist list building is not borne out of conviction.

“To be honest we’re not that bothered,” she said. “Initially we were going to do causes of cancer but unfortunately for us we were beaten to it by the Daily Mail.”