Boris Johnson to renounce personality in bid to become PM

Boris acquired his mad throwing skillz hurling food and plates around restaurants during his Buillingdon Club days

Boris Johnson is ditching his buffoonish persona and changing his image from the love child of the late Sir Patrick Moore and a long-haired guinea pig with a brain injury to that of a normalish human being in a bid to become PM.

“Voters will see a huge difference,” the London Mayor told journalists. “I had a lot of fun pretending to be an idiot who couldn’t keep a thought in his head or his dick in his pants but now it’s time to show that I can lead this country.”

Johnson then read out his to do list and claimed to have every confidence in achieving his goal.

“Get parachuted into safe seat for the election check. Renounce dual US citizenship – almost done, so check. Election, election, election. Fat Dave – stabby, stabby, Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, one more step and job done. Floreat BoJoa.”

At the time of going to press Johnson had no credible rival, a huge amount of money and unrivalled political connections. While many voters had nothing but the conviction that the political class was just trolling them now.