Nick Clegg applies for political asylum in Ecuadorian Embassy

Nick Clegg has applied to the Ecuadorian Embassy for asylum so he can escape a political beating in May. It is expected that Mr Clegg will be subject to public political humiliation come the general election

“If Assange can hide from the Swedish courts and remain the head of Wikileaks by withering away in a central London room, then why can’t I hide away and still get to be deputy prime minister,” Clegg argued

“To be honest, I’d be happy just to be able to choose my own tie again. And not have to raise my hand and ask to go to the toilet. Basically, I want my career to die with even the slightest crumb of dignity I can get” he sobbed

Julian Assange has pleaded with the Ecuadorian Embassy to decline the request on human rights grounds.

“If they stick him in this room with me that could be seen as a cruel and unusual punishment” Assange protested.

“If read some spine-tingling things as I’ve waded through millions of pages of military documents, but nothing could be as bad as having to listen to Nick Clegg saying it could all be different if he could handle his drink like Nigel Farage.

“Being water boarded by the CIA begins to sound like a preferable option.”

The Embassy has said that although they won’t discuss individual cases, most new requests are declined until biscuit levels can be returned to 2011 levels