Rooney is on a roll.
Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.
“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”
With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.
“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”
Spirit of the Aged?
An elderly couple from Harold are looking forward to a ‘once in a lifetime’ holiday in space, after negotiating a discount for taking their own food.
Until now, VirginGalactic has insisted on providing its own nutritionally-maximised, dehydrated meals, but they hadn’t reckoned with Joan Hambleton’s stubborn insistence on behaving as if there was still a war on.
Joan and her husband Malcolm have long dreamed of travelling into space, ever since they watched the moon landing on a neighbour’s television. “We used to borrow their newspaper as well, they often threw it away when there was still some reading left in it”, said John.
“When we read that man would land on the moon, I just knew Malcolm and I would echo NASA’s achievements some day. But only after we’d made some awkward, bloody-minded cost-savings to show everyone how thrifty we are.”