The new Samsung Note 7 phone, shortly before recall
Samsung’s military equipment division has announced an emergency recall of its latest SG-7 model hand grenade after users reported that the devices failed to explode under normal operating conditions.
After reports of phones and washing machines bursting into flames, the hand grenades are believed to be the only current Samsung product which does not explode. Users have reported holding the grenades in their hands without incurring severe burns, and no enemy soldiers have been killed by exploding shrapnel.
An English mercenary fighting in an unnamed African country expressed his disappointment that the new product failed unexpectedly.
“I was taking part in a coup against a democratically-elected President,” he explained, “When I lobbed a new Samsung grenade into a machine gun emplacement guarding the government buildings. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly didn’t explode. It just bounced off the guy’s head and rolled into the gutter – I felt a right idiot.”
“Luckily the detachable stylus came loose and speared him through the eye, causing instant death. I always wondered what it was for.”
In a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.
The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.
“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”
“Sometimes I turn it on”
A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.
In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.
“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”
The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading