A secretive enormous lump of wobbling pink latex has revealed plans to ‘buy Noel Edmonds’ in order to improve television immeasurably.
Known only as ‘Mr Blobby’, the mysterious investor claimed ‘Edmonds is broken’ and that allowing him to continue was ‘sleep-walking towards disaster’.
The value of Noel Edmonds is extremely hard to measure, particularly in terms of talent, intelligence and likeability. But somehow, Mr Blobby hopes to scrape together around £1.50, which should more than cover the cost of his total assets.
As with more cherished institutions, Noel Edmonds is thought ripe for asset stripping. Small, tidy beards are considered a delicacy in Vietnam, and an ounce of Edmonds’ gall bladder bile is used to enhance insincerity in remote Chinese villages.