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Izal to re-launch as ‘Dash!’

Barbaric and medieval.

Barbaric and medieval.

It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.

“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.

“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading

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Amazing scenes as villagers lift bus onto hipster unicyclist


A hipster and his iPod

The village came together as one yesterday evening to rescue itself from a hipster on a unicycle.

“It was rush hour. A busy time on the High Street during which there can be as many as three cars travelling plus a tractor,” PC Flegg told us. “I was on hand to co-ordinate the traffic when I saw this bearded idiot on a unicycle holding everyone up and looking unbelievably pleased with himself. I had no option but to taser him in the face for being an insufferable dick.” Continue reading

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