Tag Archives: Dukes of Hazard

Harold EXCLUSIVE: The Royal Summit, full transcript.

Thanks to a fly on the wall at Sandringham, with a tiny microphone in it, The Evening Harold is able to bring the full, unredacted transcript of The Royal Summit.


ACT 1. The guests arrive.

Sussex, entering left, courtseying : “You sent for me, Ma’am?”

Cornwall, whispering to HM: “See how he removes the Royal Cloak and hangs it on the peg? No son of mine…”

Cambridge: “Welcome, let us hug so that we may be Brothers in Arms.”

Sussex pushing him aside: “Fuck’st off, thou unchin-nosed fustelarian.”


ACT 2. The Queen’s Drawing Room.

HM: “So tell me Sussex – I’ll call you Harry – let’s speak of Meghan, whom thou didst marry.”

Sussex: “I love her Ma’am, with all my heart; I hear sweet music, tho’ she doth loudly fart.”

HM: “’Tis love for sure; I used to feel the same to hear my Edi snore.”

Edinburgh enters.

Edinburgh, aside to Cornwall: “It’s those Swan Down pillows, mate; they me do nightly suffocate.”

Cambridge, earwigging: “Suffolk Kate? Yet it is sworn by certificate: she’s Pangbourne born and no mistake.”

Edinburgh: “Sir Tiffy Kate? Is that her dad?”

Cornwall: “The hour – ’tis late – the sun glows red. Come on, father, let us get thee back a-bed.”

Edinburgh leaves.

HM: “To business, Harry, now, in verse, how willst thou manage without my Purse?”

Sussex: “I’ve thirty million in my account. I may not be Rees-Mogg, but ’tis still a good amount.”

HM: “But, in America, ’tis no wealth! Illness there comes free, one has to pay for health.”

Cambridge: “Bro, you married a beauty; but where’s thy sense of Royal Duty? Hast thou lost it?”

Sussex: “Go away, you pompous git.”


ACT 3. In the hallway.

A knock on the front door is heard. (‘Tis Andrew, delivering pizzas.)

HM: “Quick, let us in the garden walk. I know that knock. It’s that dork, York.”


ACT 4: At the back garden gate.

HM: “Oh bugger, there’s the Press! Butler, fetch one’s crown – one’s hair is such a mess!”

HM (to the assembled reporters): ”Summit’s aborted. Come back Wednesday.”

Sussex (to camera): “Sorted.”





[photo credit: By USDAgov – https://www.flickr.com/photos/usdagov/8674435033/sizes/o/in/photostream/, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=25727555]

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