No smiles from Brian after he learns of his temporary eclipse
Keen skywatchers and other lonely men have been warned not to watch tomorrow’s total eclipse with the naked eye.
The largest glowing orb in the firmament will be temporarily out of sight, as Dara O’Briain passes briefly in front of the cameras focused on Professor Cox’s shiny visage.
John Harris, producer of BBC’s Stargazing explained the moon-faced comic’s relationship with Britain’s smiley-est man “Dara’s been running around Brian since our first series. Having only a scraped ‘pass’ in theoretical physics, he is held in orbit by the gravitational pull of Cox’s many doctorates.”
With a finite amount of cameras, it’s almost inevitable that O’Briain’s studio directions will occasionally take him in front of the pre-eminent star in the galaxy. This will happen again tomorrow but there are dangers for the unwary says Harris.
“Anyone tempted to stare directly at Professor Cox, even in eclipse, must only do so through something really opaque. Super-strong sunglasses, welding goggles or Ed Ball’s plans for the economy.”
Plenty of space inside Cox’s head.
A team of micro-scientists working inside Professor Brian Cox’s brain say they have found the source of the universe in a small cluster of his brain cells. “The universe we are all familiar with in everyday life is nothing more than a holographic projection from within this man’s imagination,” said Professor Kevin Heidelberg out of Cox’s left ear.
The announcement in such a tiny voice from within Cox’s cochlea would surely have passed unheard had it not been for dentist Dr Richard Burlington, whose own ear ‘was in the right place at the right time’ as he polished Cox’s teeth to perfection. It was a moment in time for the doctor.
“I was plunged into an existential vortex,” Dr Burlington admitted, “questions racing through my mind about the very essence of life and the universe and whether Professor Cox was himself perhaps just a character in one of Dara O’Briain’s dreams. But I pulled myself together, tapped him on the knee and said ‘There, all done now’.”
The discovery that everything is a figment of Cox’s imagination has left a lot of people feeling slightly numb, with a sense of uncertainty as to whether they’re really here or not and whether there’s any point in anything anymore. Worried Harold pensioner Doris Kettle said she felt ‘funny in the head.’ “I’ve been ringing the NHS helpline all day,” she told the Evening Harold, “but all you ever get is an answering machine. Hello?”
The Indian Space Agency is particularly angry at the timing of the discovery and the Pope has spent the day pinching himself. The UK Government has stepped in with a summons for Professor Cox to appear before a select committee and explain himself, a move which the opposition described as ‘lacking imagination and probably futile’.
Meanwhile, the Department of Work & Pensions has called for ‘calm and commonsense’. “The best advice,” said Vince Cable, “is for everyone to relax, take a deep breath and get back to what you’re supposed to be – ” but he was cut short as he spontaneously disappeared in a puff of smoke.