Category Archives: Smug

Solar mission ‘just a trial run’ for exploring Piers Morgan’s enormous smug face

Good Morning Britain

NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.

“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”

“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading

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Blair performs exotic dance every night for Saudi royal family shock

blair-belly-dancer

We’d pay to make it stop

Fears are growing that Tony Blair will do anything for money after if was revealed that he now performs nightly belly-dances for Saudi royalty.

Blair is known to have a wide range of opaque business interests, but it was never suspected just how far the former Prime Minister would go for cash until details of his fleshy writhing leaked out.

The Middle-East envoy role held by Blair included a certain degree of consultation over business affairs, but many are shocked to see him stripping nearly naked and wriggling lasciviously for the pleasure of the Saudi royal family.

A spokesman for Blair admitted that exotic dancing had happened, but denied that it was in any way inappropriate.

“It’s not like he’s advising savage dictators in Kazakhstan,” he pointed out.

“That was last week.”

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Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

sun1

Where’s that pesky little apology?

Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.

The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the  front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.

The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.

The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.

“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”

When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:

“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”

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Bono to sing ‘Je Suis Un Belle-Ende’ for Paris

Bono_helmet

Enorme tete de coque rouge

Following U2’s announcement that they are to record a song to show their solidarity with Paris, there has been massive popular enthusiasm for the suggestion that Bono should sing the classic French ballad “Je Suis Un Belle-Ende”.

A spokesman from the French embassy in London, visibly fighting back tears of emotion, explained to reporters today that the song referred to a symbol of protection for others, saving them from harm in the face of attack, and could be literally translated as “I am your helmet”.

Bono gave keen support to the idea in an interview to French journalists this morning.

“They tell me it’s a common French phrase, down on the streets. I think it is amazingly moving. I can feel myself being moved right now.”

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Bono calls for system where citizens contribute money into central government pot to fund refugees

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Bono enjoying a quiet moment of smug

Many more Syrian refugees could be rehomed if Western governments introduced a system where citizens were forced to pay a portion of their income into a nationally administered central pot, according to Irish singer, activist, and thinker Bono.

“Refugees, hospitals, and schools, you name it, we could pay for it all if only the UK and other Western governments introduced a compulsory system to take money from its people” said Bono smugly.
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