It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
“Normal protocol is to thwump-burrumpf a spider into oblivion using the first newspaper/DVD case/unwary family pet that comes to hand,” said Philip Hammond. “But as the man who has seen the full economic forecast for this country I say keep hold of these useful creatures with their silk and potential for trading. Please, I’m begging you, dear God you’ve got to keep them. Keep everything, trust no one, stockpile food and work out which of your neighbours you’d eat first if you had to.”
Somewhat agitated the Chancellor was then led away by aides as he muttered something about finding a recipe for a nutritious soup that could be made over a candle flame from old National Trust handbooks and despair.