Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival

“Not how I remember the wheat fields”

As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.

“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”

And Mr Grylls has certainly started as he means to go on, digging Punji stake pits in the corridor outside the Cabinet Room, setting elevated snares in the gardens, and leaving poisoned cream eggs around to entice a peckish Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Mrs May was herself unavailable for comment, being last seen commando crawling along the hallway, bandolier over her shoulder and kukri knife in hand.

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