Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.
“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.”
Corbyn hit back with a long list of atrocities Mrs May had already committed against her own people.
“She wee’d on Boris Johnson, did some spittle on Gove and won’t let Amber Rudd wear lipstick in class,” he said. “But if she thinks she’s coming round my house and putting poo through my letter-box, I’ll be happy to meet her on the garden path and talk her out of it.”
“No you won’t,” retorted May, “because it’ll be a surprise visit in the middle of the night, in a carefully-planned manoeuvre. And there’ll be meat in it.”
“Yeah?” replied Corbyn. “How will you know if I’m there? I might be round your house leaving some manure of my own in your vegetable patch. No, not an act of aggression, just to help them grow. Coz I’m a pacifist init.”
“You said ‘fist’,” answered May, “which sounds aggressive to me, so poo it will be.” And she left it there.