Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.
Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.
On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’
Weakened by malaria, Allen lacked the strength to resist being dragged aboard the helicopter. In his delirious state Allen was then inveigled into signing a contract for exclusive midweek rights to his story, including provocative pictures of his much younger wife, the seductively named Lenka (35).
Speaking to his wife on a satellite phone Allen broke down in tears as he told her that by next week their life story will be jemmied in between tales of illegal immigrants buggering the queen’s corgis and loonie Labour MPs, hell-bent on destroying the very fabric our society.
“It’s OK.” a relieved Lenka replied “It’s not as if you’ve sold the Sunday rights to the Sun on Sunday … oh God, Benedict. Tell me you haven’t.”