Priti Patel resigns, “definitely not sacked”

“Trust me. I was definitely not sacked.”

Popular International Development Secretary Priti Patel was ordered back from an official trip in Africa by the PM, summoned to Downing Street and then by sheer coincidence decided to resign. “I wasn’t sacked” said Ms Patel.

In her resignation letter, which was in no way prepared in advance by the PM, Ms Patel said her actions “fell below the standards of transparency and openness that I have advocated for other people. I just didn’t realise they might apply to me. So I’ve resigned”.

Mrs May said Ms Patel’s decision was “right” as “further details have come to light”, mainly Ms Patel lying to the PM and then to parliament via her stooge Alistair Burt. “But I didn’t sack her” said Mrs May “honest”.

A Downing Street spokesperson explained that Ms Patel studied economics and knew exactly how much cash was being wasted on poor foreigners but had “accidentally lost count of how many unauthorised meetings she’d had with Israeli government representatives. It’s an easy mistake, we’ve all done it.”

“But she wasn’t sacked, could you make that clear to Paul Dacre and the Brexiteers? Thanks.”

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