After several months in which temperatures have fluctuated wildly between unseasonably warm and freezing, with added storms, gale force winds, fog, and torrential rain, the British weather has confirmed what many of us thought: it’s mucking about “for shits and giggles”.
“Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I’m being blamed for loads of stuff that’s not really my fault” said the weather. “Traffic jams, power cuts, crop failures, rises in the cost of house insurance. It started to piss me off. You need to take some responsibility for your own poor infrastructure and planning. So I started to mix things up a bit – a couple of really hot days in early May, get you all out buying BBQ equipment and lawn mowers and then BAM! A nice little area of low pressure to literally rain on your parade.”
Unfortunately, the coming winter months offer the weather more opportunity for “japes”.
“I’m thinking of a big freeze, like really, bone chillingly cold, loads of snow for about a month in the run up to Christmas. Slash the odds on that White Christmas shite you’re always on about, show you how woefully unprepared you are for anything more than a slightly damp, grey day. Then, when the kiddies are on their holidays and looking forward to snowmen and sledging, THAW! Nothing but sludge and misery. That’ll learn you for blaming me for your stiff joints and bad tv reception. Twats.”