PM: UK is world’s 5th biggest economy but only when it suits me to say so

The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?

Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.

“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which now apply.”

“But our future is bright – and when President Trump gets here it will also be orange” said the PM, adding with a trademark grimace, “That last bit is a little joke.”

“When it comes to discussing public services, services like the NHS or schools, there simply is no magic money tree. In those discussions, the UK is a basket case, battling against record national debts left by Labour’s massively overpaid nurses and teachers.”

“We all remember the Labour “I’m afraid there is no money” note.” said the PM “That was clearly true, because we’ve had to borrow £750bn since then and it’s still going up.”

“In fact, it’s only because our economy is strong, strong and stable obviously, that we’re able to borrow so much … Lynton, are you sure this is right?”

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