The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”
“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, where are the votes in that? Or the donations.”
“So we’ll focus on immigrants instead. According to our UKIP voter profiling, immigrants are the real problem, they caused the global economic crisis and deliberately slowed down house building in the UK. And being generally browner – we can now say that sort of thing again – much easier to spot than your average multi-millionaire; unless it’s Philip Green you’re looking for, of course. Which we’re not by the way, his wife has all the money.”
“Immigrants, immigrants, immigrants. Immigrants, immigrants, immigrants. You can trust me on immigration.” said the PM.
“I missed every annual target on immigration since 2010, which just shows how slippery they are. Immigrants, immigrants, immigrants. Will that do?”