Jeremy Hunt gets wrong end of the stick and welcomes record rise in NHS stats

What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?

Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.

“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.

“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. A&E targets? Up. Routine operation targets? Up!”

These figures aren’t accidents, they only come as a result of seven years of strong, stable Conservative control, much of it my own watch, even if I do say so myself.”

A determined senior official then sidled up to the minister, muttered a few words and turned the clipboard around. “Wait … they’re waiting list targets? What are you saying? These numbers aren’t good news then?”

“Why did nobody tell me?” he sobbed “Everyone will think I’m a dick.”

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