An extensive poll has revealed that most adults are as likely to genuinely care about their friends as they are to watch The Nightly Show or wish they had Jacob Rees-Mogg’s sense of dress.
“I hate my friends,” an anonymous villager told us. “We’re mostly stuck with each other either out of nostalgia or guilt, sometimes both. But I’m forty-three, I work long hours and new people are too much hassle. Better to sit in your PJs at night scrolling through your newsfeed and fizzing with contempt.”
To address this problem the village will be holding a friends amnesty tonight up the rec. Everyone is encouraged to hand in their old friends and to have a go on the lucky dip to win some new ones. If nothing else it’ll set off a new cycle of bitching about each other that’ll keep everyone cheery for months.