Office worker hides hatred of her ‘awful’ colleagues with generous leaving gifts

“If he sneezes in my Merlot, he’s a dead man.”

A Harold woman has admitted to spending a ridiculous amount of time and money on her colleague’s retirement, even though she can’t stand him.

Marian Smith, a secretary at Harold Bus Company, said that she has always found account manager Mick Walker to be “unrelentingly irritating”, thanks to his tuneless whistling, theatrically loud sneezes, and bad impressions.

“He’s always done that policeman from Allo Allo” said Marian, “which grates a bit after the 50th ‘good moaning’. But since Trump was elected he’s been saying “I’m gonna build a wall….” and “its gonna be yuge” over and over again as ifits biting satire. When he said he was retiring I was so, so happy.”

Why, then, has Marian bought a personalised card, organised a collection for a leaving gift, ordered a cake and made plans to decorate Mick’s desk with balloons and confetti?

“Well it would be awful if he actually knew I didn’t like him” she explained. “Especially after I put on such a good show for that bitch Gabby from admin when she left last month. I hated her. She walked so loudly and always had squeaky shoes.”

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