London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.
NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.
“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”
A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.
“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”
“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”
“Alternatively, if the problem is blinding pain due to an abscess which requires urgent dental treatment, then fuck you,” he pointed out.
Prime Minister Theresa May was quick to support her Health Secretary.
“People say they’re in agony and have nowhere to go, but it’s really very simple,” she announced today. “Fuck you.”
London resident and long-time Conservative supporter Bob Renfrew insisted that the shameful destruction of dental services would not deter him from voting Tory in future.
“It’s probably Muslins,” he explained. “But that nice Mr Farage will sort it all out. You’ll see.”