Jennifer Lawrence’s embarrassing Hawaii ‘butt-scratching’ incident has finished with a happy ending after the actress received a five-digit approach from the makers of “Anusol” to be the new face of their rectal itching remedy.
A spokesperson for chemical giant Pfizer thanked Lawrence for raising awareness of this delicate condition, explaining that it is not uncommon for sufferers to face vilification, abuse or even backstabbing.
“We sufferers of anal discomfort do not choose when we need to scratch, and society frowns if we simply put our hand up and admit it.”
“Very often there is nothing else to hand but a sacred monument of some kind, and it’s a case of ‘needs must’.”
“Just the other day I was in the embarrassing position of having to scratch my own arse on the Taj Mahal. It’s a giant white edifice, awesome in its size and beauty. And so is the Taj Mahal.”
In addition to piles of wealth, Lawrence is understood to have received a lifetime’s supply of the creamy lubricant as part of the deal, which should come as a great relief, especially during some of her grittier roles.
“My client can be justifiably happy about the future,” boasted Lawrence’s agent this morning.
“She’s sitting on a gold mine.”