Squirrels ‘up in arms’ over tree climbing guide

Brian: “More and more bloody hipsters, every bloody weekend…”

Harold’s squirrel population are united in their condemnation of hipster publication “The Tree Climber’s Guide”, a manifesto encouraging bored office workers to kick off their shoes and shimmy up the nearest trunk.

 

Written by old Harrovian Jack Cooke, a man some might say has too much time on his hands, the guide looks set to grace the bookshelves of many a modern city dweller who has forgotten the simple pleasures in life. There are suggestions that “How to play tig” and “Rolling down hills: a manual” are next to be published in the series.

However, the sudden influx of be-suited 40 year olds, sitting on branches and sipping matcha from their thermos flasks has upset squirrels, who feel that trees are their native environment.

“It was actually quite a shock the first time it happened” said squirrel spokesanimal Brian. “I was enjoying the view, trying to remember where I’d put my nuts, when an overweight accountant appeared in my living room. Since then, it’s been nothing but corporate lawyers, bearded coffee shop workers and mindfulness crazed IFAs as far as the eye can see. It has to stop.”

Admitting that he now spends his days throwing stones, rotten fruit and sometimes his own excrement at people who climb in to his tree, Brian is unrepentant. “It seems crazy to us squirrels that so much paper – which we understand you lot fashion from trees – is being used on a book encouraging people to climb the thing that you’re cutting down to make the book. It’d be like me starting a business selling squirrel pelts. Nuts!”

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