After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly, claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.
Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.
However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.
Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:
“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”
“Or as we prefer to say, ‘packed full of healthy goodness’.”
A government health spokesman insisted that the current hilarious guidelines where soft drinks count towards your fruit intake were perfectly adequate, pointing out that a lot of his friends worked in the food industry, and that pissing these people off wasn’t the way to get a well-paid directorship when the Tories finally get kicked out on their arses.