After attempting to put millions of people at risk by forcing Apple to undermine security on its phones, the FBI was left red-faced today after it emerged that the passcode on the suspect iPhone was actually just ‘0000’.
The FBI had started the lengthy process of obliging Apple to produce a new version of its operating system, which was expected to lead to years of legal challenges. Had Apple lost, the cost of making the change, along with the resultant loss of consumer confidence, could have led to collapse of the company, prompting a nation-wide recession and eventual slide into global disaster.
Anti-virus guru John McAfee offered to crack the phone for nothing, but after his offer was politely declined he annoyed everyone by popping up every two hours asking if they were sure they didn’t want it.
Then a clumsy FBI agent happened to sit on the phone, pressing the zero several times and accidentally unlocking it.
“Our best operators were outsmarted by a butt,” admitted an FBI spokesagent. “This happens a lot.”
With the benefit of hindsight, the agency realised it could have worked this out without all the legal controversy.
“If we’d only bothered to try putting in some numbers instead of dicking about with the court orders, we’d probably have guessed it in five minutes”, lamented agency head James B. Comey.
“I mean, it’s probably the first one we’d have tried. Unless we started at ‘9999’ and worked our way down, but who does that?”
“Anyway, we HAVE now managed to crack this important terrorist artefact – no thanks to Apple – and we have uncovered a wealth of absolutely critical intelligence.”
“We now know that the killer liked Phil Collins, shared a ‘beach knees’ photo on Facebook and didn’t get past the Christmas level in Angry Birds.”
“We think this very clearly justifies our attempt to remove all civil liberties in our great country.”
“Sorry, can anyone remember what that code was? I seem to have locked the phone again. Zero something?”