George Osborne has today announced severe cuts to the twelve days of Christmas saying that the nation can no longer afford them and that in any case he and his chums are keeping the best ones for themselves.
“Let’s be realistic about this,” he said. “There is no place in today’s economy for shirkers who go about dancing and putting various types of bird in the post. There is really only one acceptable day for the masses as maids who milk are working hard and contributing to the nation’s coffers. I will also allow professional pipers to pipe and drummers to drum as long as they declare in full any income derived from these activities and aren’t part of some pathetically wet set-up that relies on an Arts Council grant.”
“If my noble colleagues in the House of Lords wish to leap that is entirely a matter for them and to hold that wonderful tradition up to public scrutiny and question the cost or how for example some Lords can be deemed fit to leap but at the same time not fit to stand trial would be grossly offensive and demean us all.”
On being asked who was getting the five gold rings Osborne merely cackled then skittered off into the sewers.