Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.
The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.
The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
Since the revolution, most pizzas, dough-balls, side-salads and table cloths now bulge with a quivering mass of congealed milk. Pizzaland have taken things a step further by offering to inject cheese straight into a customer’s arm, or both arms for a fiver on Tuesdays before 7.
Keen to keep up with the Luigis, Pizza Express have started to offer a ‘hôllo cal-orie’ pizza, consisting of a minced Big Mac topping and a side-dish of double-fried ‘salad’ chips. “They’re a bit like normal chips, I admit”, said marketing manager Susan Rosetti, “but potatoes are vegetables, and there’s a picture of a farm on the menu.”
A press officer for Domino’s feels they’ve been harshly treated. “When calculating the calories in a pizza smoothie, scientists took no account of the energy required to suck cheese through a straw, especially if there’s pepperoni in it.”
“As with everything, it’s a question of balance: a slice of our new stuffed crust cheesecake can easily be worked off by yelling at the kids, or gasping for breath.”