Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.
“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” He demanded, adding “Much of it occurred under the last government, of course. And Labour must bear some responsibility.”
DoH insiders say Mr Hunt suspects that junior doctors are to blame but the Minister denies their tough new pay structure is a means of punishing them for it. “No” he insisted “I’m doing that because it’s fun”.
“I can reassure our wonderful junior doctors that none of them will lose money.” he promised “It’s just the overall money paid to junior doctors will be less. Is that too hard to understand?”
Mr Hunt is not relying solely on abusing staff to reduce the deficit, however. “We’re also bringing together back-office purchasing of paper clips, photocopy paper and post-it notes.”
He is confident this will eliminate most of this year’s £2bn deficit. “But if not, I’m prepared to extend the scheme to include rubber bands.”