Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.
“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.
“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”
Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
“Assad’s barrel bombs were so indiscriminate, but this was a much more targeted attack”, she explained. “So I guess that means my loved ones were oppressing me, as were three of the fingers on my left hand.”
The relief effort is currently being won by Russia, but analysts suggest their may be a few people left for the Americans to save along the border with Iraq.
“That surprised me”, admitted Obama. “I thought we’d saved the shit out of that place years ago.”